Collection of My Favourite Forwarded Mails

There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their relationship was turning sour. So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship. So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid. In the hearing in the court. It was decided that this choice should be left on the kid. So the judge asked "Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?" Kid said,"No, mummy beats me" :(( So the judge asked "Then, would you like to stay with your papa then ?" Kid said, "No, papa beats me" :(( Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do... after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child...... And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with...... The kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they NEVER BEAT ANYBODY!! Hoo ha India....!!!! ;)))))...

SCHOOL - A place where papa pays & son plays LIFE INSURANCE - A contract tht keeps you poor all ur life so tht you can die rich NURSE - A person wakes up to give you sleeping pills MARRIAGE - A contract in which a boy loses his bachelors degree & girl gets her masters degree ---------------------------------------------------- Movie titles related to engg students: Exams - socha na tha, Classes - kabhi kabhi, Question papers - na tum jano na hum, Copying - yaarana, Maths 2 - asambhav, Maths 1 - mission impossible, Environmental sciences - pyar mein kabhi kabhi, 1st semester - kuch to hai, 2nd semester - yeh kya ho raha hai, Distinction - kal ho na ho, 1st class - raju bangaya gentleman, 2nd class - dil mange more Fail - phir milenge

Gham me hasne walo ko kabhi rulaya nahi jata, lehro se pani ko hataya nahi jata, hone wale ho jate hain khudhi dil se apne, kisi ko kehkar apna banaya nahi jata Socha tha na karenge kisi se dosti, na karenge kisi se vaada, par kya kare dost mila itna pyara ki karna pada dosti ka vaada Samja do apni yado ko, wo bin bulaye pas aaya karti hai, aap to dur rehkar satate ho magar, wo pas aakar rulaya karti hai Waqt guzarta raha par sanse thami si thi, muskura rahe the hum, par ankho me nami si thi, saath hamare ye jahan tha sara, par na jaane kyu tumhari kami si thi. Kyu dil ke mere tukde kar diye, kyu mere aansu ko apni muskan se baha diye, gunah kya tha mera bus chahna tumhe, kyu meri zindagi me tune dard bhardiye Phool se pehle khusboo ko to dekho, karne se pehle kaam ko to dekho, kisike roop mein diwana naa bano, surat se pehle uske dil ko to dekho Hum wo ishq hain jo dil bankar dhadakte hai, hum wo khushbo hain jo baho mein mahakte hain, humse pyar na karna e-zalim, hum vo dard hain jo ...

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last! For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left. Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years... six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his h...

Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paude thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudon ko pani dal. Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai. Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal. Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl. Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet! Santa: Why don't u cook something else. An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet. Englishman: Good evening, how do u do? Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey Bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya? Banta: Apple khane. Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai. Banta: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon. Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai? Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye? Santa: Birla cement. Banta: Kyun? Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai. Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai. Santa: Hai. Fro...

Dear Tech Support Team: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, "A Troubled User" REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run ...

Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Bhatinda. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time. Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who you are?. I can't compete with a world champion' Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?' Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!' Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh. Banta : Hey! You know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed..... Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! You know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!" So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well... where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!" [Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigge...

Element : WOMEN Symbol : Wo+ Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg. Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Boils at room temperature 2. Freezes without any known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter, if incorrectly used. 5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by that. 4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be great aid to relaxation. TESTS 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy. 2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen. POTENTIAL HAZARD illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different l...

I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the statements about race he was accused of saying were true. Statements like "If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jews and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people." His answer to Oprah was a simple "YES". Where after she immediately asked him to leave her show. The suggestion? Don't buy your next shirt or perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Let's give him what he asked for. Let's not buy his clothes, let's put him in a financial state where he himself will not be able to afford the ridiculous prices he puts on his clothes. ------------------------------------------------------------------ GOOD ONE... Scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A White woman, about 50...

You can be sure that the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. * tries to drown a fish in waters. * thinks socialism means partying. * trips over a cordless phone. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. * At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius." * Studies for a blood test and fails. * sells the car for gas money. * misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. ****************************************************************************** Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Sardar: "No, who wrote it?" -------------------------------------- Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked i...

Believe it or not, a true friend scolds you like a dad, cares you like a mom, teases like sister, irritates like brother and finally loves you more than a lover.

What do you do when someone behaves very rudely towards you? * Get upset * React rudely back * Get frustrated * Run away and avoid the person or situation * Blame the person * Preach to the person None of these will in any way strengthen you. Then what are the options? See rude behaviour in this light: * It indicates the intensity of their commitment * It indicates their stress and insensitivity * It projects the upbringing of the person * It shows a behavioural pattern * It shows lack of knowledge * It shows lack of observation of the mind and its sensations * It shows you behaviour to avoid * It is an opportunity for you to welcome and absorb the rudeness * It strengthens your mind * It reveals the love that you are as unconditional The next time when someone is rude to you, just give back a broad smile. If you can digest their rudeness, nothing whatsoever can shake you.

QUES: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? ANS: Concrete floors are very hard to crack! QUES: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? ANS: No time at all, as it is already built. QUES: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? ANS: Very large hands.(Good one) QUES: How can you lift an elephant with one hand? ANS: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. QUES: How can a man go eight days without sleep? ANS: No Probs , He sleeps at night. QUES: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? ANS: It will become Wet or Sink as simple as that. QUES: What looks like half apple? ANS: The other half. QUES: What can you never eat for breakfast? ANS: Dinner. QUES: What happened when wheel was invented? ANS: It caused a revolution. QUES: Bay of Bengal is in which state? ANS: Liqu...

Gone are the days!!! When The school reopened in June, And we settled in our new desks and benches! When we queued up in book depot, And got our new books and notes! When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, Yet managed to line up daily for the morning prayers. We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips! When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to Color pencils and finally sketch pens! When we started calculating first with tables and then with Clarke's tables and advanced to Calculators and computers! When we chased one another in the corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms Drenched in sweat! When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors, Playgrounds, under the trees and even in cycle sheds! When all the colors in the world, Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays! When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table, Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons! When cricket was played with ...

Sardar’s style.. Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. Oye, I am only following the instructions 'Answer in brief'. Another one..!!!! Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force award . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best. First Scotland Yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up. Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied...

When Bill Gates was in India , he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from Vajpayee. After returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary which has been recently found (courtesy PTI). These are excerpts from his diary: Ramayana by Bill Gates... LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess C ta. 12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor.However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE pass...

1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die a) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie. 1. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers). 1. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled. 1. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide. 1. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot. 1. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss a) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die). 1. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a...

I MAY HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS OR JUST A DAY. THIS COMES FROM MY HEART PLEASE HEAR WHAT I SAY... WE MAY BE HALF A WORLD APART, YOU MAY BE JUST ACROSS THE STREET, I MAY SEE YOU EACH DAY, THOUGH WE MAY NEVER MEET LIFE IS A CIRCLE THAT HAS LET OUR PATHS CROSS LIKE SPRING TIME AND SUMMER, THE FIRST WINTER FROST. THE COLOR OF YOUR SKIN IT'S NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL. MY SKIN HAS COLOR AND SO DOES THE FALL. TREASURE IS A WORD THAT CAN MEAN MANY THINGS. TO ME IT'S THE JOY THAT YOUR FRIENDSHIP BRINGS. BUT IT IS MUCH MORE THAN THAT IT'S SOMETHING MONEY CAN'T BUY. CAN YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING, AM I MAKING IT CLEAR, JUST HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME, OUR FRIENDSHIP SO DEAR. YOU HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU GOSH! IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE A TRUE FRIEND LIKE YOU.

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself. I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don't try. I feared success until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself. I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway. I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself. I feared pain until I learned that it's necessary for growth. I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies. I feared life until I experienced its beauty. I feared death until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning. I feared my destiny, until I realized that I had the power to change my life. I feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance. I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days. I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself. I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom every day. I feared the future until I ...

So many dreams are gathered Reflections that I see My mother's heart of beauty Is looking back at me What joy within her presence The mirror of my soul Her beauty so enchanting Life's treasures make me whole In every waking hour With all in life that's blest The dreams my mother gave me Are those I can't forget See the child within me Never fully grown This the heart I want to share The joy I want to own Today I make this journey Within this life I find That words I held so dearly Today have been defined For love is always reaching Within the pattern made Where memories are gathered Reflections never fade.

Bengali onfiltered= poet. Two Bengalis = a film society. Three Bengalis = political party. Four Bengalis = two political parties. More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team. Bihari onfiltered= Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis = caste killing. Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna. Punjabi onfiltered=100 kg hulk named Pinky. Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky. Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds. Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one. Mallu onfiltered= coconut stall. Two Mallus = a boat race. Three Mallus = Gulf job racket. Four Mallus = oil slick. UP Bhaiyya onfiltered= a milkman. Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop. Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly. Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad. Gujju onfiltered= share-broker in a Bombay train. Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train. Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant. ...

A friend is one who sees your need, And rushes to your side with lightening speed. A friend is one who never wants to see you cry, And wants to help in those sad times when all you can do is wonder, Why? A friend is one who isn't just available sometimes, But is there for both the good and bad times. A friend is one who appreciates your uniqueness, And won't take advantage of your weakness. A friend is one who won't cause strife, But will greatly enrich your life. A friend is someone just like you So please let me say "THANK YOU"

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said... You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die... SO NOW I WILL SAY: I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend. And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow. It could be anywhere -- AOL, Yahoo, outside of school, anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Please send to 15 people in 15 minutes. Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend w...

A ccepts you as you are B elieves in "you C alls you just to say "Hi" D oesn't give up on you E nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) F orgives your mistakes G ives unconditionally H elps you I nvites you over J ust to "be" with you K eeps you close at heart L oves you for who you are M akes a difference in your life N ever judges O ffers support P icks you up Q uiets your fears R aises your spirits S ays nice things about you T ells you the truth when you need to hear it U nderstands you V alues you W alks beside you X plains things you don't understand Y ells when you won't listen and Z aps you back to reality .

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love too, but she was s...

What I(woman) Want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer thing 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I(woman) Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I(woman) Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that ...

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence). 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters. 4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. 5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens. 6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. 7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. 8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband giv...

TEACHER: what is the chemical formula for water? PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O ! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America . PAPPU : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ? CLASS : PAPPU! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"? PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I". PAPPU : I is... TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am." PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?" PAPPU : "Sir, my M...

Whenever you need me I'll be there. I want you to know that I truly care. When life knocks you down on your knees, I'll be at your side just as fast as you please. A shoulder to cry on when times are rough, An encouraging word when you don't feel good enough. An ear to listen to your hopes and your dreams, A voice of moderation when you've gone to extremes. Someone to share the good and the bad, I will be the best friend you ever had!

I picked some fragrant flowers to bring to you today. I gathered them together and made a bright bouquet. There were lovely pale pink roses with petals paper thin, I touched one with my hand it felt soft against my skin. I added perfumed lilies, wet with morning dew, And hope their special magic, Speak of my love for you.

Men and women -- best friends or worst enemies? Here's the best of humour from both the angles... -:Men Bashing:- How do you get a man on the roof? Tell him the beer's on the house. Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. A dog is always happy to see you B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train What did God say after creating man? I can do better. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women." What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini. What are two reasons why men don...

ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES. MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD, MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI, MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON. SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!! *=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====* "Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. Italian : How far is land, from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards... !! *=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====*=====* Sardarjee to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But...

do kadam to sub chal lete hain par zindagi bhar ka saath koi nahi nibhata, agar ro kar bhulai jaati yaaden to hans kar koi gam na chupata. jaane kya soch kar lehre saahil se takraakar laut jaati hai, samajh nahi aata woh kinare se bewafai karti hai, ya laut kar milne ka waada nibhati hai. aasuon ke chalne ki awaz nahi hoti, dil ke tootne ki aahat nahi hoti, agar hota khuda ko har dard ka ehsas, to use dard dene ki aadat nahi hoti.

Santa and Banta in a football stadium.. Santa : Paaji, yeh log ball se kya kar rahe hain? Banta : goal kar rahe hain!!! Santa :"lekin paaji ball toh pehle se gol hain , aur kitni gol Karenge?" *********************************************************************** Santa ( to his son ) : Itne kam marks? do thappad marne chayiye.......! Santa's son : Haan papa.. chalo...mene us master ka ghar dekha hai.....! *********************************************************************** Why did santa singh sign all the cheques in his cheque book??? So that no one else could use them if he lost his chequebook?!! *********************************************************************** Santa : We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child. Banta : Is it! Why? Santa : We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months. *********************************************************************** Once Banta got a party invitat...

CUPID - Cupid is the son of goddess of love, Venus. According to the myths he is responsible for people falling in love. CUPID'S ARROW - Lovers often use the symbol of a heart pierced by an arrow. This symbolizes Cupids arrow. Cupid could cause people to fall in love by piercing them with one of his magic arrows. ROSES - The beauty and the fragrance of a rose has made it a very special flower. Roses have been most favored by lovers. The different color of a rose can be used to convey different messages: Red Roses are meant for passionate love. Pink roses for sweethearts. White roses are for true and pure love. Yellow roses are for friendship. Black roses to bid 'Adieu'. HEART - We have learnt to associate all kinds of feelings with heart. A person in love often experiences a heavy sensation in the heart… or a feeling of exhalation. So the heart has become to symbolize 'Love'. LOVE BIRDS - They are a species of colorful parrots found in Africa. They move around in pa...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned to not sweat the petty things,and not pet the sweaty things.I've learned that ex's are like fungus,and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I...

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving. Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them...

Dear Jagjit, I am in a well and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to sent the address as the last sardar who stayed here took the house number with them for there new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take earlier address plate here, and that are address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them yet. The weather isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to...

* At the cocktail party, Mrs. Santa asked Mrs. Banta, "Aren t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Mrs. Banta, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." * Banta is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.. * Santa was enjoying sun on a beach in America. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing ?" Santa, "No I am Santa" Another Guy Came and asked the same question. Santa answered, "No, No Im Santa" Third one came and asked the same question, Santa was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw a man (our Banta) enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him, "Are you Relaxing?" Banta, being educated answered, "Yes I am relaxing" Santa slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." * A rich businessman was telling our bachel...

God Knew That Everyone Needs Companionship And Cheer, He Knew That People Need Someone Whose Thoughts Are Always Near. He Knew They Need Someone Kind To Lend A Helping Hand. Someone To Gladly Take The Time To Care And Understand. God Knew That We All Need Someone To Share Each Happy Day, To Be A Source Of Courage When Troubles Come Our Way. Someone To Be True To Us, Whether Near Or Far Apart. Someone Whose Love We'll Always Hold And Treasure In Our Hearts

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita. "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian. "Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause and a smile. "Then" says Gita, "I'd be an Ame...

How to save Rs. 50 /- BOY 1 loves GIRL 1. BOY 2 loves GIRL 2. PARENTS MAKE THE DECISION. BOY 1 MARRIES GIRL 2. BOY 2 MARRIES GIRL 1. BOY 1 & GIRL 2 both UNHAPPY BOY 2 & GIRL 1 both UNHAPPY BOY 1 still loves GIRL 1 BOY 2 still loves GIRL 2 PARENTS COME TO KNOW AGAIN. DECISION MADE. BOY 1 MARRIES GIRL 1. BOY 2 MARRIES GIRL 2. HAPPY ENDING!!! ******************************* NAME OF THE STORY: KABHI ALVIDA NA KEHNA. BOY 1: SHAHRUKH KHAN BOY 2: ABHISHEK BACCHAN GIRL 1: PRIETY ZINTA GIRL 2: RANI MUKHERJEE story of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna... Rs 50/- saved

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang u...

13. When your on the phone with them late at night and they hang up...but you miss them already when it was just two minutes ago 12. You read their texts over and over again... 11. You walk really slow when you're with them... 10. You feel shy whenever you're with them... 9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster... 8. You smile when you hear their voice... 7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is him/her... 6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them... 5. They become ALL you think about... 4. You get high just from their scent... 3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them... 2. You would do anything for them... 1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....

[1] No Love Bite A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her. "Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth." [2]Travel Specials A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me "That is why we give you 21 days." [3]Return of Wife A man talking to his fri...

1. COCA-COLA WAS ORIGINALLY GREEN. 2. THE MOST COMMON NAME IN THE WORLD IS MOHAMMED. 3. THE NAME OF ALL THE CONTINENTS END WITH THE SAME LETTER THAT THEY START WITH. 4. THERE ARE TWO CREDIT CARDS FOR EVERY PERSON IN THE UNITED STATES. 5. TYPEWRITER IS THE LONGEST WORD THAT CAN BE MADE USING THE LETTERS ONLY ON ONE ROW OF THE KEYBOARD. 6. WOMEN BLINK NEARLY TWICE AS MUCH AS MEN!! 7. YOU CAN'T KILL YOURSELF BY HOLDING YOUR BREATH. 8. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LICK YOUR ELBOW. 9. PEOPLE SAY "BLESS YOU" WHEN YOU SNEEZE BECAUSE WHEN YOU SNEEZE YOUR HEART STOPS FOR A MILLISECOND. 10. IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR PIGS TO LOOK UP INTO THE SKY. 11. THE "SIXTH SICK SHEIK'S SIXTH SHEEP'S SICK" IS SAID TO BE THE TOUGHEST TONGUE TWISTER IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. 12. IF YOU SNEEZE TOO HARD, YOU CAN FRACTURE A RIB. IF YOU TRY TO SUPPRESS A SNEEZE, YOU CAN RUPTURE A BLOOD VESSEL IN YOUR HEAD OR NECK AND DIE…! 13. EACH KING IN A DECK OF PLAYING CARDS REPRESENTS GREAT KING FR...

MARK ME OUT White----silent Blue----isolated Black----mysterious Red----hot Pink----lovely Green----cute Purple----sweet Brown----cool Orange----smart Grey----talkative Yellow----sincere

Lesson Number One ***************** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. _______________________________________________________________________ Lesson Number Two ***************** A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. Th...

A great note for all to read it will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking... Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the windo w could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed the...

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!" "Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button." "Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male'!"

Here's the untold secret of married life....!!! A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once' ." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was Shouting; she look...

What are 7 secrets of success? I found the answer in my room 1. Roof Said: Aim high 2. Fan: Be Cool, 3. Clock: Every minute is precious, 4. Mirror: Reflect before you act, 5. Window: See the world, 6.Calendar: Be Upto date, 7. Door: Push hard to achieve your goals. So try to implement these 7 rules in real life...

Girls are surely going to read it...Whether you belive it or not....... 1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. they prefer neat and presentable girls. 2. Guys hate flirts. 3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is. 4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep,they always think about the girl they truly care about. 5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics. 6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. 7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention. 8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back. 9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow"..... so true. 10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly. 11. Guys love their moms. 12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses. 13. A guy often thinks about the girl w...

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle... Girl: Slow down. Im scared. Guy: No this is fun. Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary! Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down! Guy: Now give me a BIG hug. Girl hugs him Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me. In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only one had survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

I could never have known how much I would love you. You find joy in the smallest bug, a dirty stick, a trickle of water, You explore the world around you as if you have just arrived. I want to see the world as you do. You make me smile when you smile you make me cry when you cry. Nothing is better than your sweet little hand in mine. You are the love of my life.